Glad to be back...

A lot has happened since the last post. A LOT! 2008 hasn’t really been a fine year for me, rather unpleasant infact.

It kicked off with something dreadful…I lost a friend in February…Swetha Kakde, one of my seniors…I wasn’t extremely close to her…but yes we played throwball together and did hang out sometimes…so I got to know her well…one of the most simple and pleasant people I had ever met. Her nonexistence made me grasp the suddenness of life… and that anything dire can happen when one least expects it…and to the nicest of the people…you either face it when it comes or wait for it to strike…
I think of her pretty often…I think of the dreams she must have had…I think of the people she loved…and those who loved her…I think of the things she left undone…I think of the memories she left behind….and how people who truly love her will have to live with those reminiscences…I think about how her life broke without her knowing…about the pain she went through days before her death…about how we have to go on without her day after day…
The only positive thought that comes to my mind is the throbbing pain she was liberated of, the moment she breathed her last…attempts to save her only added to the suffering she went through…

My heart goes out to her family…who have to deal with the ultimate soreness of her absence…in the same house…with her memories…

Life is bizarre…some incidents can totally change your stream of thought…forever.

With Swetha’s death, I began thinking about situations of how I would deal with the loss of someone much closer to me… someone I couldn’t imagine my life without…

I always think of her…I don’t know if I believe in the concept of an afterlife…but if she is somewhere else…I just hope she’s happy…and knows that we really miss her presence…

These are the most beautiful lines my friend, Ramya wrote for Swetha…

**This must be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do so please bear with me if there are any uncomfortable pauses.

I initially volunteered to do this because I considered myself as someone who knew Swetha…but then, after further contemplation I realized that there was so much more to learn about her...

So, I’m not going to make this about Swetha…this is going to be for Swetha.

I’d like to thank you Swetha Kakde for always greeting us with a bright smile, for putting up with a ignorant throw ball team members, for comforting us when we felt suppressed, for encouraging us to make a difference and fight for our rights, for looking beyond the superficial barrier of junior and seniority, for being there as a friend or just someone who listens patiently but above all for being one of the standing examples of an individual who believed in ‘living life to the fullest’.

You will always be in our hearts, lives and memories. Maybe we’ll meet and laugh about all this someday.

I would just like to conclude with some thing from Rosamunde Pilcher’s novel ‘September’

"Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well."**

Alright, I’m not going to depress myself or anyone else anymore…I love Swetha and am really going to miss her…I’ll try my best to keep her memories alive and smile remembering the moments we spent together…no more moping…lets move on…

After this, March and April were just full of exams…this was also the time I had to focus on my entrance preparation…CLAT preparation…
My so-called aim of getting a national was to be fulfilled…but, now when I think of it, it was never an aim, it was just a sheer fantasy of a life away from parents, a cooped-up existence, a city I had an aversion to…I just wanted to get away from these things…I never really wanted a national university…if I wanted it that bad… I know I would’ve got it…but I didn’t put my heart into the attempts…all I actually wanted was the exposure and freedom out of it…and ya somewhere there…the desire for a quality education with more opportunities lingered…didn’t work for it…didn’t get it…but lets face it…even if I did get a law biggie…would I stick through it??!! I’ve never been the types to slog, on a daily basis!! Come to think of it…its better, since I’m in a city and am staying with my folks…I have easy access to regular stuff…which would definitely not be the case if I were at a national…no I’m not trying to make myself feel less loser-ish by saying all of the above…its something I genuinely sat and pondered over…
Infact I’m enrolling for guitar lessons on Sunday, have to get a job…have to plan out Ngo work…and also have to figure out when I can learn French! So, on the whole, I’m keeping myself occupied with the things I always wanted to do…another way of forgetting about this whole national law school mania I had…
I do feel rather hurt and jealous…when I see the names of my fellow-LSTians high up on the selected rank list…they had the same amount of time as I did…if not lesser…and they managed to crack CLAT…it was all about commitment and genuine aspiration…which I truly lacked…

But I do mollify myself by saying that it’s all about the grades you get at the end of your learning and also the exposure you’ve had and not where you’ve pursued it all from…one of my LST lecturers sent us a mail regarding the after-effects of not getting through a preferred law school…and how we should deal with it…the best part of all of what he wrote to us was that, he’s seen people from the best of the law schools land up mediocre and ordinary and he’s also seen those from the most un-hyped and simplest of law schools make it big!! So at the end of the day it’s all about what one makes of their lives!!

I guess its getting too philosophical and solemn in here!! My life hasn’t really had a great deal of humour in the last few months…mostly because of all of the above episodes I’ve had to be a part of…

I was in one hell of a wreck for the past few days…just after my exams got over…quite ironical…I should’ve been all the more happy…
Its just that all of the above stuff hit me real hard…and I felt extremely isolated…the feeling was close to that of not having anyone at all to turn to…it was horrible…I shed tears all alone like a little kid…this is when I terribly missed my brother and a few of my close b’bay friends…and off late I’m developing this strange urge to meet new people and make new friends…its not like I’ve gotten bored of my existing friends in b’lore or anything, its just that I want to meet new people…uncomplicated, issue-less people!!

I think of the people who are already a part and parcel of my life and how they don’t give two hoots about my existence…be it friends or family…it makes the times I spent with them feel like a colossal waste…

I’m losing consistency in what I’m writing! Like it matters anyway! And yes, about the institution I’m in and the horrible administration and people it has…I have to start chalking out a plan to change things myself…and quit waiting for other people to support me…

I’m just walking around alone…getting jobs done…makes me feel good somehow!!
There’s so much to be done in life…I just have to place the pieces together and move ahead…have to figure out easier and less painful ways of doing that!!

Chao then!! It felt great to be back and vent out a whole muddle of feelings I had choked on in the past few months!!

Right now, I can’t help but remember this extremely short but ‘in-the-face’ quote by Winston Churchill -
“If you're going through hell, keep going.”
See ya soon...