Dilemmas aplenty…

Is it crazy to love all your dreams and desires equally…? And not be able to identify the most valuable…. especially when there isn't a 'better' or a 'best'… what if there is NO way you can prioritise…?

What do you do when all your aspirations call out to you? How does one choose!? I wouldn't want to be unfair to any of them…

 

I feel one learns and grows every moment… this entire process helps you get closer and closer to your identity as well…. I'm not sure if I believe in the concept of ‘goals’ but I do believe in self sufficiency derived from doing what you really want (by all means)… in simpler words, just being happy…

In the last two to three years I have learnt a lot about myself… this has been through reading, talking and being around different kinds of people and many perspectives… and I'm glad I did what I did… I feel content… unlike before when I was following the crowd… I didn't quite have ideas and opinions of my own… I lacked that ‘sense-of-self… 

If there's one idea I have strongly grown to believe in, it is objectivity, which is the ability to be impartial…or unprejudiced. It takes a lot to be objective because one is fed with ideas and traditional thought from an extremely young age, and to throw all that away and start afresh isn’t easy… you end up going against a lot… but like a friend of mine always says ‘you have to be selfish'… that's how you'll find happiness! =)

I have also developed immense affection towards the environment and animals! This affection made me take an important decision for myself… that of veganism. I feel that no human owns an animal in such a way so as to take anything away from it… animals are prey to human vindictiveness simply because they cannot speak the same language as them… they defend themselves till they can, but humans eventually overpower them… even the genesis talks about how humans were meant to be in-charge of animals and not exploit them!

There’s so much more… but this is a great start, I’m glad I’m writing again… i feel nice =)

Glad to be back...

A lot has happened since the last post. A LOT! 2008 hasn’t really been a fine year for me, rather unpleasant infact.

It kicked off with something dreadful…I lost a friend in February…Swetha Kakde, one of my seniors…I wasn’t extremely close to her…but yes we played throwball together and did hang out sometimes…so I got to know her well…one of the most simple and pleasant people I had ever met. Her nonexistence made me grasp the suddenness of life… and that anything dire can happen when one least expects it…and to the nicest of the people…you either face it when it comes or wait for it to strike…
I think of her pretty often…I think of the dreams she must have had…I think of the people she loved…and those who loved her…I think of the things she left undone…I think of the memories she left behind….and how people who truly love her will have to live with those reminiscences…I think about how her life broke without her knowing…about the pain she went through days before her death…about how we have to go on without her day after day…
The only positive thought that comes to my mind is the throbbing pain she was liberated of, the moment she breathed her last…attempts to save her only added to the suffering she went through…

My heart goes out to her family…who have to deal with the ultimate soreness of her absence…in the same house…with her memories…

Life is bizarre…some incidents can totally change your stream of thought…forever.

With Swetha’s death, I began thinking about situations of how I would deal with the loss of someone much closer to me… someone I couldn’t imagine my life without…

I always think of her…I don’t know if I believe in the concept of an afterlife…but if she is somewhere else…I just hope she’s happy…and knows that we really miss her presence…

These are the most beautiful lines my friend, Ramya wrote for Swetha…

**This must be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do so please bear with me if there are any uncomfortable pauses.

I initially volunteered to do this because I considered myself as someone who knew Swetha…but then, after further contemplation I realized that there was so much more to learn about her...

So, I’m not going to make this about Swetha…this is going to be for Swetha.

I’d like to thank you Swetha Kakde for always greeting us with a bright smile, for putting up with a ignorant throw ball team members, for comforting us when we felt suppressed, for encouraging us to make a difference and fight for our rights, for looking beyond the superficial barrier of junior and seniority, for being there as a friend or just someone who listens patiently but above all for being one of the standing examples of an individual who believed in ‘living life to the fullest’.

You will always be in our hearts, lives and memories. Maybe we’ll meet and laugh about all this someday.

I would just like to conclude with some thing from Rosamunde Pilcher’s novel ‘September’

"Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well."**

Alright, I’m not going to depress myself or anyone else anymore…I love Swetha and am really going to miss her…I’ll try my best to keep her memories alive and smile remembering the moments we spent together…no more moping…lets move on…

After this, March and April were just full of exams…this was also the time I had to focus on my entrance preparation…CLAT preparation…
My so-called aim of getting a national was to be fulfilled…but, now when I think of it, it was never an aim, it was just a sheer fantasy of a life away from parents, a cooped-up existence, a city I had an aversion to…I just wanted to get away from these things…I never really wanted a national university…if I wanted it that bad… I know I would’ve got it…but I didn’t put my heart into the attempts…all I actually wanted was the exposure and freedom out of it…and ya somewhere there…the desire for a quality education with more opportunities lingered…didn’t work for it…didn’t get it…but lets face it…even if I did get a law biggie…would I stick through it??!! I’ve never been the types to slog, on a daily basis!! Come to think of it…its better, since I’m in a city and am staying with my folks…I have easy access to regular stuff…which would definitely not be the case if I were at a national…no I’m not trying to make myself feel less loser-ish by saying all of the above…its something I genuinely sat and pondered over…
Infact I’m enrolling for guitar lessons on Sunday, have to get a job…have to plan out Ngo work…and also have to figure out when I can learn French! So, on the whole, I’m keeping myself occupied with the things I always wanted to do…another way of forgetting about this whole national law school mania I had…
I do feel rather hurt and jealous…when I see the names of my fellow-LSTians high up on the selected rank list…they had the same amount of time as I did…if not lesser…and they managed to crack CLAT…it was all about commitment and genuine aspiration…which I truly lacked…

But I do mollify myself by saying that it’s all about the grades you get at the end of your learning and also the exposure you’ve had and not where you’ve pursued it all from…one of my LST lecturers sent us a mail regarding the after-effects of not getting through a preferred law school…and how we should deal with it…the best part of all of what he wrote to us was that, he’s seen people from the best of the law schools land up mediocre and ordinary and he’s also seen those from the most un-hyped and simplest of law schools make it big!! So at the end of the day it’s all about what one makes of their lives!!

I guess its getting too philosophical and solemn in here!! My life hasn’t really had a great deal of humour in the last few months…mostly because of all of the above episodes I’ve had to be a part of…

I was in one hell of a wreck for the past few days…just after my exams got over…quite ironical…I should’ve been all the more happy…
Its just that all of the above stuff hit me real hard…and I felt extremely isolated…the feeling was close to that of not having anyone at all to turn to…it was horrible…I shed tears all alone like a little kid…this is when I terribly missed my brother and a few of my close b’bay friends…and off late I’m developing this strange urge to meet new people and make new friends…its not like I’ve gotten bored of my existing friends in b’lore or anything, its just that I want to meet new people…uncomplicated, issue-less people!!

I think of the people who are already a part and parcel of my life and how they don’t give two hoots about my existence…be it friends or family…it makes the times I spent with them feel like a colossal waste…

I’m losing consistency in what I’m writing! Like it matters anyway! And yes, about the institution I’m in and the horrible administration and people it has…I have to start chalking out a plan to change things myself…and quit waiting for other people to support me…

I’m just walking around alone…getting jobs done…makes me feel good somehow!!
There’s so much to be done in life…I just have to place the pieces together and move ahead…have to figure out easier and less painful ways of doing that!!

Chao then!! It felt great to be back and vent out a whole muddle of feelings I had choked on in the past few months!!

Right now, I can’t help but remember this extremely short but ‘in-the-face’ quote by Winston Churchill -
“If you're going through hell, keep going.”
See ya soon...

B'lore does wake you up and piss you off too!!!

Today, the 14th of December, 2007, I realized something so important. Something, I thought didn’t exist at all…
Finally I know where I stand in my parent’s opinion. I’m still this ‘immature kid’ who knows a crap about life. Eighteen isn’t this magical point when a person becomes a ‘nobody’ to an Einstein or a great thinker. Yes, but it is an age where people should consider you capable of making your own decisions in a level-headed manner. Or at least respect your opinions to a certain extent. But, NO…In the James’ family it doesn’t happen that way…you're still a kid until you get some kinda meaningless degree and get married (arranged of course) to some freak!! All this isn’t a joke…it’s the sour truth when my life comes into picture…there is no peaceful discussion…abuses galore…things are looked at personally and not objectively…everything’s a mess when its put into the world of ‘discussion’. Which is why I’m sick and tired of talking out things anymore…I don’t talk because I want people to agree with me…I talk so that listeners can take what I’m talking about into account and not blindly swat things off as dirt or an ‘immature’ piece of words.

Truly, life isn’t easy at eighteen…its hell in my case. Not being treated like an adult can stress you out to a large extent…and one can surely experience waves of depression. Do i sound like a therapist or something!!??

Parents complain that their eighteen-year-olds talk to their friends with great glee… but to their immediate and extended family in a very distant or ‘unconcerned’ manner…

Now, have they tried to UNDERSTAND why this happens? NO, they haven’t, because they consider their accusations and the reasons behind them as the ultimate and final truth…Why the above phenomenon happens is because, friends treat these eighteen-year-olds ‘with respect to their AGE’ whereas parents and relatives treat them as ‘little children’ incapable of being a part of mature discussions. Age isn’t all that great a thing…but it does make a considerable difference when a ‘parent-daughter/son’ relationship comes into picture.
Freedom, is a highly talked-about controversial topic of discussion when parents and their teenagers come into picture.
Alright, lets forget the physical freedom, by which, I mean, going out, loafing with friends etc etc…
Lets talk about freedom of speech among parents and their teenagers…why can’t there be room for atleast that…and if there is…why can’t explosive reactions from the parent’s side, which pressurize and corner their teenagers even more, be avoided…phew…
The sad part is, that there are still some families out there… where, if the teenage daughter/son talks about considering a sip of a Bacardi Breezer(bah!), the parents explode as if he/she has just lost his/her virginity or something…They love making mountains out of molehills!!

When you consider your parents capable of discussion, that means you respect them, which is what they fail to encompass. I talked to my parents about a corrupt administration which accused hardworking students of eating up the profits of a college’s cultural fest. I said that a change has to be made because nonsense cannot be tolerated for ages…atleast when it comes to me…
I was surprised by their piece of advice which was so self-centered…their best advice was to get out of the situation and go elsewhere and to not even think of challenging an authority…they even said that I would be incapable of doing so…

This added fuel to the fire in me!! I felt a challenge coming my way…something I wanted to prove to them…something which can be done with unity…but they even accuse my friends of turning their backs on me…all a mere assumption and a way of letting me swat off the idea of challenging crap and controversy…

I, as an individual do not take drastic measures for anything….except when I’m angry…my friends and I would handle a problem like the one mentioned above with some amount of common sense and not with the boiling blood of the youth of today!! Slow and steady….but not stagnating of course! We would be aware of the consequences of our actions. We aren’t hot-blooded, carried-away-by-films kinda numbskulls…We do think, and use our grey-matter quite often!!


Anyway to kill the negativity…
There is an All-India National Open Mock being held by LST!! Which I’m planning to give…kinda exciting…
And then there’s some shopping I’m going for….finally…I haven’t shopped for myself in ages!!!!

Cheerio!!

LONG OVERDUE!!!!- B'lore life

Well this is probably the n’th time I’m saying those two clichéd words “I’m BACK!!!”
Uh hum… I’m now in Bangalore…or else Bengalooru…grouse!!!

I was supposed to have an interview on the 22nd of June…but the wonderful principal ran off for an emergency conference to Madras…Why do princys always give me an awful first impression!!!???
One more thing about me, readers…I always refer to the metros of India by their old names because I’m absolutely allergic to their newfound-so-called patriotic names!!

Yeah, so where was I, aha, the interview!!!…It didn’t happen…so in short, my interview was good!!
The College campus is nice…serene…It’s a women’s college L…!
Not because of anything else…its just that I detest the idea of gender specific schools and colleges…that’s coz people who go to such places can’t behave normally with those of the opposite sex…trust me, I’ve seen some interesting specimens!!! They can’t look you in the eye while talking…!!…lol…which can have some really weird connotations..

Anyway, I agreed to join Bishops coz maybe next yr when I take the entrance and have 1 year of law school experience I may get credits to a good college as well…in addition to a supposed success in the entrance ofcourse!!!

Now, for a change of topic…let me tell you a few things about this city…Bangalore…

Firstly… the locals here are lecherous nincompoops…I’m talking about the men…they stare, stare, stare and then grin…its really saddening to walk on the streets with those losers staring…

Thirdly…the traffic is horrendous…horrifying…SAD…bugging…killing…people have no SENSE whatsoever…
Why…Because Bangalore is the IT hub…So there are millions of young buds…fresh outta IT schools…young blood…bikes…you get the relation right??(those typical guys on a bike with a laptop behind their back!!)…They speed so much...it’s not funny!! They drive on the pavement…papa has given them a piece of his mind a few times!!! The traffic lights and traffic policemen are of absolutely no use…

The reason behind my survival is – music n friends!! No kidding! You’ve got great company, any shithouse becomes a whole lotta fun!!!

My college friends to name a few…Ramya, Miranda, Zaiba, Udita, Sujani..etc etc…
All specimens… ‘Drama Queen’, ‘Kinky Whacko’, ‘Foodie shopaholic’, ‘Squeaky burst of talent’ and finally ‘The Princess’!!! These are their respective descriptions!!!! Trust me…absolutely appropriate!!!

They save me from the daily crap of life!!! :-) :-)

Poona Phase II

Well here goes Poona - Phase II, not that there was a Phase I….lol!!
Poona was an army base, as I had mentioned earlier…and so there were very few naval officers and their families there, like us…

We stayed in a really SAD house at first….man, it was awful….it had stupid porous fluorescent green walls, through which we could hear the neighbor’s son yowling! Lol

There was a ‘jungle’ of a garden in front of our house!!!...with all kinda wild plants and ‘grandfather’s-beard(s)’ (those dispersing seeds!!...ha-ha) floating around…we used to hunt for the pod and then rip it open…letting all of those beautiful things fly away!!!...sounds mushy…I noe!!

Yea…and not to forget…there were black spiny killer worms all over the roof…because it was tiled….and had gaps everywhere, those things used to land up in my shoes sometimes…and hell, it was painful…
And due to the gaps on the roof…we had to put buckets and dishes all over the place to avoid the floor from getting wet! Seriously!!…something like those dilapidated houses in films..!!

I mean just imagine…a Doctor’s family had to stay in a wreck like this…it was a weird experience though….

The only nice things abt the house were:-
- The backyard…nice n serene….woody…leafy backyard…we used to blow up our trash somewhere there….but yet it remained beautiful….
- Then the tree in the front, on which my Papa made a swing….that’s what I call fun…
- We would have bonfires in front too…
- The best thing was that it was barely 5 minutes away from School

That’s all about the awful house…

Next shift was to a place called Salunki Vihar...which was fun!!...reminded me of a hillstation..it had nice exciting stationary shops ( ALERT: I'm a stationary lover!!) and cool gift shops where i used to spend a lotta time...!! My friends and me would play with mud in the evenings...and beg our parents for 10 bucks ....so we cud buy a piece of chocolate!!!...i remember, once i happened to lose the money my papa gave me....and i howled like there was no tomorrow!!!....lol

We then shifted to a colony around 10 minutes from this house…it was next to the landmark ‘Wanowrie PO’…

Had nice cute neighbors there…cute little girls….snobby little girls…weird uncles, who’d be gardening all day…bending low and revealing their ass to the whole world!!...ha-ha

My two closest friends there were Ankita and Shipra, we were good friends but always had our fights…it was selected war…it was the two of them against me…or me n Shipra against Anki…or anki n me against shipra….funny…!! Shipra and me were in the same school…Ankita was in St Helena’s…the parrot green uniform!!...we used to meet every morning to catch our buses to school…

We made this really corny club called ‘3 friends club’….crap, it was utterly corny!!

We had a booklet each, for the three of us…each comprising details of our club’s weekly activities…one day was recipe day…another was jewelry making day….some rot or the other…seems so utterly nonsensical when I think of it now…that was our idea of fun…

But the fact was that I was the inferior one out of the three of us…mainly because I was a shy crybaby…and a boring cranky kid…
I always felt that way…coz there was a lot of buzz-buzzing between the both of them…with short glances at me…I wasn’t really wanted…never…because at that time making friends had a whole list of requirements….something like those eligibility things for college admissions..
U had to be –
- Partly cool
- have a good wardrobe
- have nice barbies and toys
- have a bead and trinket collection
- have things which your relatives got u from abroad…

Sounds ridiculous I know…but that’s what girly friendship is all about…not now at least…there are some snooty exceptions though…

School was another tough-to-handle kinda atmosphere…this was my ICSE phase…
The place was filled with super-rich n pampered honcho’s daughters…
Those girls who’d say “Uh! Excuse me girly! That’s my place.”…
Fair n pink girls who came to school in chauffeured cars…belonging to their super-rich fathers…
The level of education was excellent…ICSE is what polished me a little…and made me a bit of a brat too!!!…I started expecting and wanting much more coz I was surrounded by people who’d get whatever they want whenever!!!

Well I think I’ll have to make Pune Phase III too!!!....a lot more to go….its not that easy to wrap up 4 years into a few words, you see!!

And btw, I’ve finished this section within my last few hours in Bombay…
I’m going to miss the city like crazy….waaaaaaaaahhh!!

Next post coming up sometime in Bangalore…probably after a good interview at Bishop Cotton Law University!!!....fingers crossed!!!

Chaos!!

Current Depression and the Poona Phase...

Im back and a little depressed...now why im depressed is a little long story...but i'll cut it short...Basically my results are out....and theyr bad...quite expected for the amount of studies i put in...the last two years of secondary school were nothing but a waste...basically because it wasn't entirely what i wanted to do...

Anyway,why i took it so easy is basically because i always knew that what matters for me were my entrance marks for law...so i never worked...im regretting it a bit but...obviously nothing can be done...
but its a sense of relief...the end of those two years of obligatory study has finally come!...which i had to do just to get to the main aim...ie law...but i did have my share of fun, learning biology and chemistry and performing experiments in laboratories!!!
im cool now...no worries...just break into depression once in awhile when i hear stuff like...people getting into their desired institutes with the help of minority reservations and lower cut-offs...but again who's gonna change the system???
Ok ok don't cry...i noe its getting a little emotional out here...but hold on...

I NOW CONTINUE WITH THE FOURTH CHAPTER OF TJ'S LIFE...THE 3rd PLACE--POONA!!!!

Well...after around 4 years in Vizag, Papa got posted to Poona, which is a city in Maharashtra...Its also an army base...This is the place where i grew up...and the shitty phase of my life began...

I joined St Mary's High School in the summer of 1996...i think; im not too sure about the dates though....rough estimates...the school was close to a church by the same name...
Poona...a beautiful city in those days...God alone knows what's become of it now...the place where we lived had the landmark of 'Wanowrie Postoffice'..the PO was pretty creepy...my friends and i used to munch on super-sour tamarind leaves from the tree nearby!!!....wierd i noe!

Poona always reminds me of Goa somehow, i don't really know why...but it has a similar atmosphere to that of Goa...even though it didn't have beaches...it had a canopiesh-goa-ish-soft feel to it!!!...lol

Probably because we lived close to the church...Ok now the people in my house are getting hysterical and telling me to cut out the blogging for a while and go and study for the nxt entrance of mine....speaking of entrances i didn't get through any of the biggies...neither NLU nor NLS....sad i noe...time management was the backdraw....nyway...cheers...will update the Poona post sum other day...!!!!!...byezzz

Vizag and the Kiddie cronies!!

Aha...the chica's back!!!

Well i was on a so-called study break...ya right!...study break...Didn't touch my books after NLS!!...last minute studies for NALSAR...as usual...but surprisingly is wasn't a disaster!!Ok where was I last time...yeah...the sock-ripping incident...lol!

Vizag...twas sooooo much fun...all of us pals...like i said b'fore we were such simpletons...no hang-ups....no complexes...pure fun....hmmmmm...nostalgia.... :-(

The colony we lived in was called 'Naval Base'...beautiful place...peaceful...green...I remember my skating days...colossal fun...trust me!!I was awesome at skating....i've lost the knack now...waaaaaaaah....i would literally fly in that polo- shaped skating rink!!...and win all the races..haha

And the muddy playground of my school...dog and the bone games....man what fun...PTA meetings..aha!!!...My teacher would complain to my mum about guess what...not studies...i was brilliant...still unbelievable...she would tell my mum that everytime my pencil broke i'd chuck it into the dustbin!!!...not even think about a wonderful device called the 'sharpener'!!!...and u noe what, Im still like that!

And not to forget the fancy dress competition where i was made to dress up like a duck and sing "Old McDonald had a farm eeya eeya oo!!!!!!"...hahahaha!

Eating bourbon 24 x 7 wid frnds!!!

and yeah...on my 8th b'day or sumthin...me n moi best pals divya and sneha were made to sing a nursery rhyme or sumthin salled 'titli rani" (butterfly queen)....twas a cheepie song(not at that time though)....but we sang wid utmost glee!!!

and some uncle burst a balloon filled wid eclairs....and everyone got a toffee except me...i think i started crying!!
ANNOUNCEMENT- You are currently reading a crybaby's blog...read on!

we were jumpin on and bursting balloons thruout the evening!!

i remember the day i got this 'best student' award....shocking i know!!... blushing like a plum...and all shy...lol!!
Every morning my mama( read: mama not MOM!!) would religiously make my ponies and shower me with ponds talc!!!Papa would take us to his clinic once in a while...twas nice to see his equipment n stuff...lotsa fun!!pa n ma wud buy our clothes for us...soooo cute...now we'd obviously dread to think of that!!!

Our holiday to Arrakku Valley was a holiday in a lifetime...coz after dat we never really had a gud holiday...the chilled water...me and my bro passing poop behind bushes...lol...making water boats...pa taking me piggy back!...mosquito bites all night!
...mama becomin a nervous wreck at the sight of dingy stairs in a cave!!!

Obviously the Europe Holiday was there...but we became all fussy and formal biggies(me n moi bro).Unforgettable Days!!!..........Ive met most of my childhood friends....but they don't give a shit anymore...Obviously they have their own lives and they change wid time....but here, its a drastic change...sad....nyway...no gruesome tales here!!

so that was Vizag...next up is Pune..!

The birth of Terror Tina!!!...and kiddie days!!

2nd March 1989, sometime in the morning...at Asvini Hospital, Bombay, a nasty human bundle eventually named Tina James was born!!!
The resultant product of a naval doctor Emmanuel James and a Teacher Elizabeth James!!
Quite a nasty product must say...and not to forget, the sister of an unfortunate boy(now man) called Michael.

Life's been quite a camel ride(with great ups and lousy downs!!!)...Born in Bombay, stayed there for a year...so the metro became my first love and it still is.

My Papa (as i call him...not Dad..Gonna avoid being fashionable with words esp when it comes to words i don't use!)...yeah so my Papa's in the Navy...he's got a transferable job...so the four of us would skip and jump from one naval base to another...sometimes an army base...

Our transfers after my birth were Bombay to Cochin to Vishakapatnam to Pune and then back to my first love Bombayyyy!!!!

I don't remember my neonatal days of Bombay and Cochin...But Vishakapatnam a.k.a Vizag...always had fond memories.

I did my nursery, first and second grade in Vizag.
I was in Naval Public School,Vizag. Amazing place...i had awesome friends...our little family was happy...we'd go for holidays up hillstations n stuff...parents were probably happy coz me n moi brother were just bachchas(kids!)...no trouble yet!!

I remember a few of my friends, Divya-Radhika-Navita-Sneha...a few others...we were innocent little dumplings...good girls...all of us...we'd study well...listen to our mama-papa, play in the evenings in Naval park...with barbies, redsandstone(draw our hopscotch grid!!),gulmohar flowers(we'd take out the anthers n filaments and have miniature swordfights wid them!!)....

recently i was told by my friend(navita) that i was naughty at school...i said i didn't remember any incident...she then told me that i would rip apart my own socks and go n tell the teacher that Navita tore them..!!...quite unbelievable...